i have been listening to levar burton reading carl sagan’s book cosmos on my drives to and from flint. it is interesting to envision geordi telling me all of these tales at a table in ten forward as we share some strange alien beverage and the stars sail by like so many robotic fireflies on a chaotic mission.
i also like hearing about sagan’s perspective on technological and scientific progress, and where he thought we would be with things such as fusion or space exploration at this point in time. he would have loved to see the rover landing on that tiny red dot; but it made me a bit sad to hear how enthralled he thought we earthlings would be, watching footage fervently on our televisions in some communal connection to our curiosity … when, instead, we have moved so far away from curiosity, from community, from science. it feels like there isn’t a way back, and i think that’s okay — in fact, we’re struggling right now with a lot of people who want to go back in time, and that’s the rub. so, i suppose it’s just about imagining a different path (or paths!) to an idea similarly golden as sagan’s.
something like space exploration requires a lot of trust, which isn’t something that i personally have in a very high supply these days. i don’t know if i ever did, but i do know that the last three years have really eaten away at whatever i had managed to cobble together over the past few decades. so i have been trying to spend this year building it back up again, and found that the only way to do it was to first learn how to trust myself. because i don’t know that i ever truly have. these last three years of emotional and financial abuse would have looked a lot different — in fact, they wouldn’t have happened at all — if i had trusted myself in the beginning and left the situation before it even really started.
i cannot judge myself through the lens of 20/20 hindsight, however, so i figure the best way to recover from the trauma of being exploited during perhaps the most vulnerable time in my life is to really dive into nurturing and caring for myself in a way that i have never done before.
and it has been lovely, this composting time, these days focused on all of my feels: heart, body, mind. even connecting into creative ideas in a way that seemed lost to me for so long. being inspired. laughing and playing with the puppies. reading in the hammock. hanging out with the kids (when they have time!).
this is basically the last day of my summer vacation; starting tomorrow, we start up strong at flint, and the new academic year kicks off the week after … i’m kind of excited! i love the challenge of growing a community that is championing the arts, humanities, and social sciences, because i fundamentally believe that only by reconnecting with what makes us uniquely human will we figure a way through these fractured times.
sagan is so good at reminding that there is art in science, science in art, and awe-inspiring beauty in all of it. while i wish i had trusted myself enough not to become the target of a narcissistic user + abuser, i also know that the experience has brought me closer to myself, to a deeper understanding of who i am and how i can create, build, and flourish with others. it has brought me a new way of seeing beauty, and art, and connection. through my own fallibility, i hope i will be able to give more grace to others. and myself.
these are just my first musings, thinking through what it’s like to be on the cusp of 50, living in metro detroit. things are more calm than they have been in a long time, and i am grateful. on clear nights, i can sometimes see the stars.
and, if not, at least i can see the fireflies.
